Zach: Cody, DON'T FORGET TO DO MY BOOK REPORT FOR TOMORROW.
Why do you always assume I'm gonna do your work for you?
'Cause I'm your older brother.
So get to work, junior.
Hey, look.
It's "Zack and Cody, the first year."
Ooh, we haven't seen that one.
Dad: YOU'RE DOIN' GREAT HONEY.
Look, it's mom in the hospital.
[Carey screaming]
She's giving birth!
Doctor: PUSH, PUSH.
Fast forward, fast forward, fast forward!
Carey: IT'S OVER.
Doctor: NO, WAIT, THERE'S ANOTHER BABY!
Aah!
Fast forward, fast forward...
To when we were 6.
Stop. This part looks safe.
Yeah, you guys are so cute.
If only you'd sleep.
[Telephone ringing]
Dad: CHANGE YOUR OWN DIAPERS.
Honey, could you take your boys?
Yeah. Wait a minute. Hold on.
Let me just put the camera down here.
Zach's on the left, Cody's on the right.
Oh, ok, I got it. Ok, here we go.
[Out of breath] Hello?
Oh, hi, mom.
Yeah, they love their new outfits.
Well, Cody spit up on his...
Tch. What a loser. [Baby crying]
And then Zach pooped in his.
Ha. Who's the loser now?
I gotta go, mom. Somebody's crying.
I think it's my husband.
Ok, I love you. Bye-bye.
Dad: COME ON, GUYS. SMILE FOR THE CAMERA.
[Crying]
Here's Zach...
And here's Cody...
I think.
That's not funny.
When you said Zach's on the left,
did you mean your left or mine?
My left.
Oh.
Fortunately, their mother can tell them apart.
They have 2 completely different personalities.
Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow. See? Now that's obviously Zach.
And this... [Crying loudly]
Yes. That's obviously Cody.
I think.
Mom thinks?! What do I think?
You think you can get away with mixing us up.
I never mixed you up.
Really? Shall we replay the evidence?
Oh. Ok, for one second.
You guys don't know how tired I was.
I hadn't slept in weeks.
You were both bald with no teeth and drooling.
I mean, it's amazing I didn't mix you up with grandpa Jim.
I can't believe I might be Cody.
What's wrong with being Cody?
For starters, look how you're dressed.
Well, if I'm Zach, then I'm the oldest.
You better show me some respect, junior.
By 10 minutes. Big deal.
I knew I should have erased that tape.
Anything else you haven't been
completely honest with us about, mommy...
If that's your real name.
Oh, I am your mother. Do I have to show you the beginning again?
Both: NO!
♪ Here I am in your life ♪
♪ here you are in mine ♪
♪ yes, we have a suite life ♪
♪ most of the time ♪
♪ you and me, we got the world to see ♪
♪ so come on down ♪
♪ just me and you know what to do ♪
♪ so come on down ♪
♪ just you and me and me and you ♪
♪ we got the whole place to ourselves ♪
♪ you and me, we got it all for free ♪
♪ so come on down ♪
♪ this is the suite life ♪
♪ we've got a suite life ♪
Muriel, are you sure those are 600 thread-count sheets?
Let me check.
One...
2...3...
How much will it cost to get you out of here?
10.
[Hums]
Ah, good morning, miss tipton.
I trust you slept well?
Esteban, what do you call this?
I call it hot chocolate. What do you call it?
I call it unacceptable.
There is one big marshmallow in it,
and you know I like 6 little ones.
My apologies, miss tipton.
I will cut it for you with great care...
Unlike the doctor who did my appendectomy.
I tell the ladies it was a shark bite.
Hey, London.
I took ivana for a walk,
and now she's at doggy daycare.
That'll be 5 bucks, please.
Wait. You're Cody.
I thought it was Zach's turn.
Well, either way, you owe one of us 5 bucks.
[Sighs] Here.
Now, if you'll excuse me,
I wanna see if I'm in the society page.
I was at this fabulous charity event for orphans...
Or was it dolphins?
Which one's flipper?
[Gasps]
Um, London...
You might wanna take a look at the front page.
Not now. London's reading about London.
And you might want this back.
Why?
'Cause you're broke!
Aaahhh!
Moseby, tell me it's not true.
Oh, I wish I could.
Unfortunately, your father borrowed too much money from the bank,
invested all of it in a diamond mine, and, well, no diamonds.
Any silver? Mm-mm.
Pearls? Mm-mm.
Works of art? Oh, mm.
No, just a lot of dirt...
Ergo, dirt poor.
I'm so sorry, London.
I wish I could do something to help.
Can you give me $50 million?
I'll go check my piggy bank.
London, I spoke with your father.
[Gasp] Yay.
Is he sending the plane for me?
No. The yacht?
No. The jet pack?
You have a jet pack? Of course.
No, no, no, no.
What he wants me to tell you is,
for now, he has to stay incognito.
Where's "cognito"?
In hiding.
Where's "hiding?"
Look, the point is,
he can't afford to send for you.
But he sends his love... Collect.
And he knows you'll be a strong little trooper.
I don't wanna be a trooper.
[Crying] I wanna be rich!
I know.
Oh, could things get any worse?
In a word? Yes.
I hate to tell you this,
but the bank insists that you move out of the hotel
so they can rent your suite to someone who can pay for it.
Just because I don't have any money,
the bank stops being nice to me?
Shocking, isn't it? [Sighs]
Is there anyplace you can stay until your father sorts all this out?
Of course. I'll just stay at a friend's.
Anabelle? The most tragicical thing just happened.
You heard?
Well, can I stay at your house?
Really? An asteroid? [Gasp]
And I was feeling sorry for myself. Oh.
Cody, it's your turn to set the table.
He's not going to answer to Cody.
But you are Cody.
Prove it.
How much longer are you guys gonna keep this up?
Until we learn who we definitely are.
Ok, look, whatever your names are,
when you were born, the hospital
put your footprints on your birth certificates so we can tell you apart.
How? Well, they're like fingerprints.
They're different, even for identical twins.
We'll take your footprints, and then we'll match 'em to the birth certificates.
Great. Where are our birth certificates?
You don't know where they are, do you? We moved many times.
I'll call the hospital, and they'll mail me copies right away.
Look, I know my kids.
Understand, Zach?
Yeah, I understand.
Charlene?
Hey, my portrait.
Oh, look how happy it was when it was rich.
Hey! What is that man doing with my clothes?
He is not gonna fit into a size 2.
Unfortunately, they had to sell your stuff
to help pay off your dad's debt.
I'm really sorry.
Hey, is that my hat?
Maybe.
Oh, London. Hi, sweetie. I wanna let you know I am so sorry,
and we are here for you, ok?
Oh, that top is cute.
You are all vultures... With very good taste.
But yolanda will stand by me.
We once shared a stepmother.
How are you doin', sweet thang?
Cody, I'm sorry.
But isn't it Zach who usually tries to flirt with me?
If you're gonna be me, you'd better be better.
Thanks a lot, sis.
Aw, no luck?
They're getting me back for all the times I didn't help them.
Selfish rich people.
Isn't this adorable?
[Gasp]
Which is why I bought it back for you.
Thank you.
I can use it as a pillow
when I sleep in the gutter tonight.
[Crying]
Oh, honey, you're welcome to stay with us.
I'm already on the pull-out couch,
but we can make room.
Thank you so much, Carey.
Any better offers?
Maddie, would it be possible for London to stay with you for a while?
No, not possible.
Love to. Can't. Coming!
[Mutters]
No one called you.
Besides, if memory serves,
since your sister moved out, don't you have an extra bed?
My sister didn't move out.
Well, that's odd.
I distinctly remember you dancing around the lobby, singing,
♪ my sister got a groom ♪
♪ I got my own room ♪
♪ what? ♪
Oh, that sister. Mmm...
Come on, maddie. London's got nowhere to go.
And it would be the right thing to do.
How sweet, Zack. Maybe you are Cody.
I guess a few days wouldn't hurt.
London, you're welcome to stay with me.
Thank you so much. I'm going upstairs to get my things.
Wait a second. I don't have anything.
[Sobbing]
There, there.
Ta-da!
Oh, this is kind of nice.
You have a little sitting room outside your bedroom.
Actually, this is the bedroom.
This is my bed...
And this is yours.
Does the closet pull out, too?
Jeez, pretty noisy neighbors. [Ball game sounds]
We live across the street from Fenway park.
Sal: INCOMING, MADDIE! HIT THE DECK.
That's sal. He's the peanut guy.
Thanks for the warning, sal.
Anytime.
Oh, look at me. I'm a mess.
Could you pull down the bathroom for me?
No. That's across the hall. All right.
Hey, sal, send up some peanuts!
Thanks.
[Screams] There's some kind
of shriveled-up animal in the bathtub.
London, that's my granny.
I didn't realize she was still taking her bath.
No offense, but your room is really bringing me down.
I need to take a nap. Aah!
Help!
I got you, I got you.
Whoa.
Maddie?
A little help.
Maddie, I'm having the worst day of my life, and you're playing hide-and-seek?
Whoa!
Found me.
Oh, Teddy, I've had the worst nightmare.
I dreamt daddy lost all of his money,
and then wound up living with m--aah!
Good morning to you, too.
Hey, this wasn't here when I went to bed.
Oh, granny always checks on us during the night.
Must've looked a little cold to her.
Oh, that was nice. How much should I tip her?
You don't tip family.
People in a family help each other because... well, because they're family.
We all love each other in this house.
Man: AW, GEE, WHERE'S THE REMOTE?
Woman: SAME PLACE AS YOUR CAREER-- IN THE TOILET.
Love can be expressed in all kinds of ways.
Ok, it's time to strip and make the bed.
Ok, if that's what poor people do.
Whoa there, big girl.
I meant strip the sheets off the bed and put on new ones.
Oh.
Well, what's the maid gonna do?
We don't have a maid.
Aah!
Oh, I am so stressed out.
Have you thought about getting a job?
No. I've been too depressed about being poor.
You wanna sit for Zack and Cody tonight?
But don't you need the money?
Right now, you need the money more than I do.
Hey, that felt great to say.
This isn't so hard. [Gasps]
That right? Aah!
Perfect.
Is this how all poor people sleep?
[Television plays]
[Shuts off television]
Hey, I was watching wrestling. Since when?
You're not Zack. It's homework time.
It's not fair. First, you take away my identity
and now my culture.
He's been acting like me all day.
He came on to all the girls at school,
wised off to the teachers,
and now he wants to copy my homework.
That's terrible.
I know. It means I have to do my own homework.
[Doorbell rings]
Oh, hi, London. Ok, nobody's had any dinner.
Doctor's number's on the fridge, first-aid kit's in the cabinet,
and in a super emergency, I'll be singing right downstairs.
Were you talking to me?
Remember, like I said, I'll be singing right downstairs.
Mwaah! Love you.
Love you. Love you.
[Door closes]
Time for bed.
It's 7:30.
And we haven't even had dinner yet.
We want grilled cheese, please.
I can handle that. I do that in the kitchen, right?
Yeah, it's the place with the fridge.
Your fridge is broken.
Other side.
Fixed it.
I'm confused. I thought you hated cheese.
But you love cheese.
Oh.
Ooh, they're already in little slices.
Cooking is easy.
So if I'm Zack and I don't like cheese,
does that mean you're the one who likes ham?
No, we both like ham.
Then who likes liverwurst? No one.
Then why do they make it?
The sandwiches will be ready soon.
Do you want me to read you guys a story?
No. Good.
I've got this working thing down.
[Smoke alarm sounds]
Oh, must be the cooking timer.
I'll get the fire extinguisher. I've got the window.
[Faint beeping]
Your grilled cheeses are ready.
Next time, you might wanna put it on bread.
And you might wanna take off the plastic.
Let's face it, I'm not cut out for regular life.
Yeah, you are. You need to practice at it.
So you're saying I should make more grilled cheeses?
No! No!
Why don't we start with something easier?
Like cereal.
I can do that. Wait, what goes first, the milk or the cereal?
Doesn't matter, as long as you remember the bowl.
Thanks for the hot chocolate, Mrs. Fitzpatrick.
You're welcome, sweetheart.
I like them.
They're kind of embarrassing sometimes.
I didn't know families sat down and ate dinner together every night.
And you actually talk to each other.
What did your family do for dinner? Oh, they went out.
I had dinner with whatever nanny my mom hired that week.
Since they usually didn't speak English, things were pretty quiet.
That's kind of sad.
Not really. I learned how to say,
"let me stay up late, or I'm calling immigration" in 18 different languages.
Hey, wanna watch the game? Sure.
Ok.
[Ball game sounds]
You know, this is my first sleepover.
You've never slept over at another girl's house before?
Mm-mmm. Most of my weekends, I was flying back and forth from mommy to daddy.
I slept on the plane and played cards with the flight attendant.
Does that count?
Sure.
You know, London... Mm-hmm.
I've always been a little jealous of you.
But now I see that you missed out on a lot.
I mean, no sleepovers?
But I know how to act. I've seen the movies.
We eat junk food, we do each other's hair,
and we talk about boys.
Yeah, that's just about it.
Ow.
What are you doing?
Pillow fight. It's in all the movies.
See, I can be a regular person.
Hey, regular person, would you like a snack? Sure.
Yo, sal, send up some peanuts!
And caviar.
Regular person.
Yo, caviar.
Here it is, special delivery from children's hospital.
Mr. moseby, don't you wanna find out if Zack is Zack and Cody's Cody?
Is there any chance those footprints might say
you got the wrong twins at the hospital?
And that your real ones are nice, quiet and polite?
Absolutely none.
Ciao.
Ok, guys, now listen, whatever is in this envelope,
you're still Zack, and you're still Cody.
Will I still be Esteban?
Yes.
Ach, too bad.
Then I must go get a ton of luggage in 1217.
Ok, here we go. But before we do...
Oh, no, she's gonna talk.
This is important.
Even if you're you and you're you,
I will still love you, even if he's you and you're him.
I couldn't follow that, and I'm the smart one.
All right, I'm opening it.
Ok, all right. Swirly heel, swirly heel...
You are definitely Zack, and you are definitely Cody.
All right. Yes.
Now I can go back to chillin' and just getting by in school.
I mean doing my best.
It is so nice to have my boys back.
I love this sticky stuff mom puts in our sandwiches.
What do you call it? Peanut butter.
Mmm.
London, great news. Me first.
I like peanut butter.
I think you're gonna like this even more.
"Tipton back on top."
On top of what?
They struck oil in your father's diamond mine.
Well, that must've made a mess. Ah...
London, it means you're rich again.
Really? Oh, yay!
Ooh.
Goodbye, peanut butter. Hello, lobster dipped in butter.
Same old London.
Mm, but on the upside...
♪ You got your room back to yourself ♪
♪ you got your room back to-- ♪
I suppose.
Hey, you did a good thing.
Maddie, in all the excitement,
I forgot you and I made lunch plans.
Yeah, but then you got rich again.
Which is why I'm taking you to Maison Robert.
Really? Thanks.
It's the least I could do. I mean, you took me in when no one else would.
You like me for richer or poorer,
for better or worse, in sickness--
we're not married, London.
But we are friends, right?
Yes. Good.
And as a friend, can I tell you something? Yeah.
That sweater looks like a moldy lemon.
It's ok. We'll get a booth in the back.